Today, I’m giving you four psychological techniques that’ll help you deal with fear, complacency, perfectionism, and taking things for granted.
No fluff.
Just practical mental tools you can use starting today.
Let’s go...
#1 - Expose Yourself
Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl was a Holocaust survivor who wrote the influential book “Man’s Search for Meaning.”
In this book, he details his experiences in Nazi concentration camps and his discovery of the importance of finding meaning and purpose in life, even in the most challenging circumstances.
One of the techniques he uses is called “Paradoxical Intention.”
Paradoxical intention is like a mind trick we use to help ourselves feel better when we’re anxious or worried about something.
It’s when we try to do the thing we fear on purpose, so we no longer fear it anymore.
Here’s a couple of examples…
Public Speaking
Imagine you’re worried about speaking in front of people because you think you’ll stutter or forget what to say.
With paradoxical intention, you might purposely try to stutter or forget your lines.
This helps you feel more in control, and you might find that you don’t stutter or forget as much as you thought you would.
Social Anxiety
Suppose you’re nervous about going to a party because you think you’ll be too shy to talk to anyone.
Instead of avoiding the party, you challenge yourself to be the quietest person there and try not to say a word.
This way, you’re in control of your shyness, and you might even feel more confident to start talking to others when you’re ready.
Here’s the thing…
When it comes to anxieties and fears, constantly avoiding the things that trigger them makes it our default response next time they appear.
To overcome these feelings, we need to expose ourselves to them and actually go as far as feeling them as much as possible.
It’s only then that we realise it’s not as bad as we think in these situations and can finally start to overcome them.
Stop avoiding what scares you.
Start deliberately exposing yourself to it.
#2 - Boiling a Frog
The “boiling a live frog” analogy is often used to describe a situation in which a gradual, unnoticed change occurs until it results in a significant, potentially harmful outcome.
The story behind the analogy is that if a frog is placed in a pot of boiling water, it will immediately jump out due to the sudden and extreme temperature change.
However, if the frog is placed in a pot of cool water that is slowly heated to boiling, it won’t perceive the gradual increase in temperature.
It will eventually be cooked without realising the danger.
An analogy that I like to use is this…
If you walked into a room that stank of shit and stayed there, you’d get used to the smell.
It’s only when you leave the room and come back in that you realise how bad it smells.
Throughout our lives, we experience a lot of unnecessary suffering because we get used to the shitty environments we have put ourselves in.
This is why constant self-reflection and assessment of the people around you and the places you are in is so critical.
It’s not easy to change your friend circles, your job or career, or the place where you live, but the pain of change is much less painful than the pain of remaining the same.
Don’t get comfortable in an uncomfortable environment.
The longer you spend there, the harder it is to leave.
#3 - If We Were Wise
I owe much of my thinking process, especially when it comes to relationships, to Alain de Botton.
His company, The School of Life, offers a range of incredible books and gifts to support personal development.
On their Instagram page, they shared an incredible quote titled “If we were wise,”
which I just had to share with you here…
“If we were wise, we would stay very pessimistic about how things turn out.
We would remind ourselves on an hourly basis that all relationships are riven with pain, all business ventures are maddening, and all families are demented.
We would accept that we aren’t being persecuted.
This is how things universally are
(it’s just that other people carefully omit to speak frankly about its existence).
We would get less hopeful and - therefore - less bitter and less furious.
Of course things are slightly disastrous.
Of course we have made some terrible mistakes.
Of course we have been betrayed and treated badly.
It’s all eminently and supremely normal.
We would cease lamenting our wrong turns.
We probably married the wrong person; we almost certainly chose the wrong career. Probably we’re living in the wrong country
(and definitely the wrong house).
We invested in useless things.
We befriended unworthy sorts.
We made awful errors bringing up our children.
We’ve neglected our health.
We’d be starting to get it right if we lived to 1,000 or could do half a dozen practice runs.
Wisdom starts with a dark belly laugh - and a full acknowledgement that we are idiots now, we were idiots then, and we will be idiots tomorrow.
There are simply no other options for a human being, and that’s more than OK.”
The antidote to perfectionism is to realise how imperfect we really are.
Stop expecting life to be perfect.
It never will be, and that’s fine.
#4 - Negative Visualisation
One of the most powerful practices you can do is gratitude.
However...
A lot of people struggle to do it, and when they do, they don’t really get the benefit.
Enter something called “Negative Visualisation.”
Negative visualisation is a Stoic technique that involves imagining the loss of things we cherish to appreciate them better.
Here’s how it works:
I want you to imagine something you hold dear.
It could be a loved one or a person close to you.
Now I want you to imagine getting a phone call from the police to say they were involved in a nasty accident and they are no longer with us.
(Sombre, I know, but go with me on this...)
The point in the practice is to think deeply about this becoming a reality, but don’t dwell on it.
Open your eyes, get back to reality, and realise that you should be grateful to have them in your life and to give them a call or go and see them.
I do this practice a lot when I see my Dad’s van drive past my house.
I remind myself that one day, he will be gone, and how excited I would be to see his van drive past my house just one more time.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Visualise often a life without the things you love, and you’ll appreciate having them more.
These aren’t just philosophical concepts…
They’re practical tools you can use every single day.
Stop doing this:
Avoiding what scares you and making the fear worse
Getting comfortable in shitty environments that slowly destroy you
Expecting perfection from life, relationships, and yourself
Taking the people and things you love for granted
Start doing this:
Expose yourself to your fears on purpose through paradoxical intention
Constantly assess your environment and leave before you get too comfortable
Accept that life is imperfect and that’s completely normal
Visualise losing what you love to appreciate it more fully
Viktor Frankl survived Nazi concentration camps and still found meaning in life.
The Stoics practised negative visualisation thousands of years ago.
These techniques have stood the test of time because of one thing…
They Work!
Jay Alderton