Self-awareness is a superpower.
If properly understood and worked on, it will have a significant impact on your life.
Here’s the problem…
It’s said that only around 15% of the world is actually self-aware.
That means 85% of people are walking around thinking they’ve got themselves figured out when they absolutely don’t.
Today, I’m going to break down the four levels of self-awareness and show you exactly where you sit.
Let’s go...
What Does “Self-Awareness” Actually Mean?
Self-awareness is defined as the ability to recognise and understand your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, as well as their impact on yourself and others.
This is broken down into two main categories:
Internal Self-Awareness - How we view and interpret our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.
External Self-Awareness - How we view and interpret others’ thoughts, feelings, and behaviours (and how they see us).
Here’s what’s interesting…
Just because you have high internal self-awareness does not mean that you have high external awareness, and vice versa.
So, how do we find out which one we’re more competent in, which one we’re lacking, and where we need improvement?
Harvard Business Review’s research identified 4 Self-Awareness Archetypes based on these two factors.
#1 - Introspectors (High Internal, Low External)
Introspectors are those with high internal self-awareness but low external self-awareness.
One great thing about Introspectors is that they spend a lot of time writing down their thoughts and feelings and being aware of their behaviours and actions.
But here’s the problem…
Although introspection is a great practice, many people don’t do it very well.
They come up with their own reasons for why they behave or act in a certain way, then make assumptions based on those reasons to gain clarity and confidence.
Although this clarity and confidence are nice, if the reasons behind our behaviours and actions are wrong, it’s almost certain we’ll behave and act that way again.
This is why feedback from others is so important.
One of my favourite quotes is…
“It’s hard to see the label when you’re stuck inside the jar.”
When you ask others for feedback on your behaviours and actions, it can be painful to hear, especially if they highlight areas you're weak in, such as listening to others and patience.
However, the great thing about understanding your weaknesses and getting feedback from others is that you become more self-aware of your flaws and can now make the effort to improve them.
If you’re an Introspector…
Stop assuming you know why you do what you do.
Ask others for feedback and actually listen to it, even when it stings.
#2 - Seekers (Low Internal, Low External)
Seekers are those with low internal self-awareness and low external self-awareness.
A Seeker will either be very young and not yet know what to do with their life, or a little bit older and feeling a bit lost and directionless, not knowing what to do with their life.
If you’re a Seeker, it’s vital that you get a notepad and pen out and brain dump these three critical questions:
What do I enjoy doing with my week?
What am I good at?
Is there anyone out there currently getting paid to do what I enjoy and am good at?
These three questions will set you out on a journey of self-exploration to better understand what you want to do with your life.
The next thing you need to focus on is improving your external self-awareness by understanding how others see you.
For this exercise, reach out to at least three close friends and get them to answer the following three questions:
What would you say is my number one skill that makes me a good friend?
What are some of the things you think I’m naturally good at?
What are some things that you think I’m really bad at?
Number three is a hard pill to swallow, especially if three of your friends respond with the same things.
However, this is a step in the right direction for becoming more self-aware.
#3 - Pleasers (Low Internal, High External)
Pleasers are those with high external self-awareness but low internal self-awareness.
One of the most dangerous things about being a Pleaser is that it becomes very difficult to snap out of.
When you’re completely focused on how you look to others and put the needs of others before your own wants and needs, you get heavily rewarded for it.
Pleasers have lots of people tell them just how awesome and reliable they are when they need help.
Because of this, it’s almost impossible for that person to say no, and over time, this creates a massive hindrance to your own personal success and progress.
Here’s what happens…
You become so good at being what everyone else needs that you forget what YOU actually want.
To get out of the Pleaser archetype and start moving into the Aware archetype, the Pleaser needs to get better at saying no and taking more time to focus on what they truly want to do with their own lives.
Stop living for everyone else’s approval.
Start living for your own goals.
#4 - Aware (High Internal, High External)
Aware people are those with high internal self-awareness and high external self-awareness.
This, ideally, is what we all seek to accomplish, and although it's not easy, if you’re willing to do the work, I genuinely believe people can make the progression to this archetype.
Mastering Internal Self-Awareness
To master internal self-awareness, you will need to make a habit of daily journaling and reflection.
When you start to write things down, the important questions to ask yourself is not “why” but “what.”
“Why did this happen to me today?” - Usually, when we ask ourselves why questions, it can cause us to have irrational or negative thoughts that appeal to our fears and insecurities (e.g., this happened to me today because I’m stupid or because that person doesn’t like me).
“What can I do tomorrow to improve today?” - When people ask themselves what questions, they are more focused on solutions to problems, more focused on future actions, and creating a plan of action for improvement.
Interestingly, researchers from Harvard Business Review analysed hundreds of interview transcripts of self-aware people and found that the word “why” appeared fewer than 150 times, while the word “what” appeared more than 1,000 times.
Mastering External Self-Awareness
To master external self-awareness, you will also need to master your ego.
To become a master of external self-awareness, you must routinely seek honest feedback from others and ask yourself whether how you see yourself aligns with how others see you.
When getting feedback from others, it’s important to remember the “what not why” mentality, and that if someone gives you negative feedback on something you need to improve, focus less on asking the question to yourself “why do they think that” and more on “what do I need to do to improve this area so they no longer think that.”
A “why” question will cause you to play on your own fears and insecurities, and also make you try to rationalise their feedback so you can ignore it.
A “what” question will enable you to take action on that feedback and make improvements in those areas in the future.
Self-awareness isn’t something you either have or don’t have.
It’s a skill you develop through consistent practice.
To Recap…
Introspectors: You’re great at looking inward but terrible at seeing how others perceive you. Get feedback and actually listen to it.
Seekers: You’re lost on both fronts. Start asking yourself what you enjoy and what you’re good at, then ask others what they see in you.
Pleasers: You’re so focused on what everyone else thinks that you’ve forgotten what you want. Learn to say no and focus on your own goals.
Aware: You’ve mastered both internal and external self-awareness. You journal, you reflect, you seek feedback, and you use “what” questions instead of “why” questions.
Stop doing this:
Assuming you know why you do what you do without asking others
Wandering through life without direction or feedback
Living for everyone else’s approval at the expense of your own goals
Asking “why” questions that feed your fears and insecurities
Start doing this:
Journal daily and ask yourself “what” questions
Seek honest feedback from people who know you well
Say no to others so you can say yes to yourself
Match your internal reflection with external feedback
Only 15% of people are truly self-aware.
The question is…
Are you in that 15%, or are you fooling yourself?
Jay Alderton